MY PLACE!

How is God so good? How could He love me like He does? I'm not worth this. And yet in His eyes, I AM!!!! Have you ever felt like you are in the exact place and the exact situation that you were meant to be in at that moment? Like everything just lined up and worked out and HERE YOU ARE in your destiny... your purpose... your calling. I am EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. Right where God wants me. I feel like He is cheering with excitement that I made it to the place He wanted for me. It feels so perfect even though there are imperfections.

Divorce-Sin

Every relationship is redeemable through God... I truly believe that. Divorce is such a disease that invades so many lives. It's like it spreads into everyone's heart. I want to save every person who might ever face the effects of divorce and I can't. This is what it all boils down to... we sin. That's it.. that's the culprit of all painful things... death, failure, deceit, oppression, abandonment. Without sin we wouldn't know of these things. That's right... we wouldn't even know about death. I hate sin. I hate what it does to me... to my loved ones... I hate pain. When i see someone else's sin effecting me and others it makes me think about my own sin and who it is effecting. Who am i hurting? I'm sure I'm causing a lot of people pain. I don't like to think about that.

What's the right thing to say? What would help? What can I do? They tell me to just pray... I suck at praying... maybe that's because of my own sin. It's a freaking cycle. Sin screws up everything!!!

IM REAL

It's finally setting in... the reality of life... I lie to myself I've found. I lie a lot. I'm a yucky person... and yet i really like who I am. I even like the bad things... cause it makes me real.

the secret weapon

I feel like I always want to blog when I'm experiencing a rush of emotion... Like I just need to get it all out of me... and the weirdest things give me those rushes of emotion... For example, I just got out of a movie (I will not tell you which one sparing myself embarrassment) and my mind starts racing. I guess my mind does the whole racing thing A LOT!!! but recently it's been intense. So I start at one place, how the movie made me feel, what it reminded me of... and I end up somewhere totally different and I can't figure out how I got to these thoughts. My mind... really it intrigues me. I feel empowered lately. Like there was a pep rally for my life and now I'm ready to take on the world. I've got my cheerleaders and fans and teammates and my opponent... games are ready to begin and then.... BAM everything comes to a halt in one second with one thought. Like the game doesn't even exist anymore... I'm standing in the middle of the field or court with the crowd around me and the teams fighting and I'm in another world. I can see Michael Lank now "ABBY GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME" but I can't really hear him. ok that was a really long analogy but you get the point... I find that when I completely remove myself from the fight... I'm letting the spiritual realm take care of the fighting... that's when my mind is stagnant. It's REALLY easily controlled. BUT when i decide to get in the game... I'm a fighter... AND IT'S ALWAYS THE EXACT SAME THING that satan uses to pull me away from the fight... it's like his secret weapon... he only uses it when he gets desperate... when I'm fighting back and maybe even winning... THAT'S WHEN HE PULLS IT OUT.... and BAM seriously it knocks me out every time... been this way for years now. It's always Israel. I mean seriously he hasn't crossed my mind in a good while... since I last saw him in October... after that I just gave up the fight... satan took over.... and I've pretty much been a puppet ever since... and then this weekend I go home and it has gotten to be too much and I break down and I start fighting again... and ONLY 3 days later there it is... ISRAEL.... like a freaking punch in the face. GO AWAY!!!! It's not anger... it's not regret... it's not hostile or bitter... it's just BROKENNESS... Like I'm standing at half court in the middle of the state championship game.. tied up and I look to the side line and among all the hundreds of people I see his face and I just wanna run off the court... forget the most important game.... and all the people depending on me and cheering for me... and i just wanna pretend that I'm back in 11th grade on Oak Shade Rd.... how does satan still have that STRONGHOLD??? When will that weapon not work on me anymore... how do I fight back???

The Bad Things

Apparently I'm not the best at posting regularly... 5 semesters down... one to go!!! WOW I can't believe I'm graduating in 4 months... I'm super ready, yet super not ready. My whole life has been school and yes, I know I am going to school again haha but it will be totally different... not like real school... It's like another slow step into adulthood.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you question everything in your life??? Like, What am I doing? What have I done? What matters? Why am I not happy? Why doesn't anything make sense? Do I matter? well of course I matter.... but how? why? where? am I going to fail? What will people think or find when I die?

Maybe I'm crazy... maybe it's normal but then again maybe it's definitely NOT normal!!! Do you ever cry for no reason? and then once you're crying you just start thinking about all the awful painful hurtful things in your life and so you keep crying and you cant stop and then you feel sorry for yourself and you're blinded to the good things or the love or the blessings..... there is a lot of bad... and that's all you see.... I do this... every once and a while I do this.... and I hate it... but at the same time I love it... I just wanna sit sometimes and list out the bad things.. like once I see how ridiculously long the list is it will help me justify so much...

So many people have so many more bad things... I know I'm blessed.... I'm surrounded with good things... but sometimes Im blinded... I can't help that... or can I?