the secret weapon

I feel like I always want to blog when I'm experiencing a rush of emotion... Like I just need to get it all out of me... and the weirdest things give me those rushes of emotion... For example, I just got out of a movie (I will not tell you which one sparing myself embarrassment) and my mind starts racing. I guess my mind does the whole racing thing A LOT!!! but recently it's been intense. So I start at one place, how the movie made me feel, what it reminded me of... and I end up somewhere totally different and I can't figure out how I got to these thoughts. My mind... really it intrigues me. I feel empowered lately. Like there was a pep rally for my life and now I'm ready to take on the world. I've got my cheerleaders and fans and teammates and my opponent... games are ready to begin and then.... BAM everything comes to a halt in one second with one thought. Like the game doesn't even exist anymore... I'm standing in the middle of the field or court with the crowd around me and the teams fighting and I'm in another world. I can see Michael Lank now "ABBY GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME" but I can't really hear him. ok that was a really long analogy but you get the point... I find that when I completely remove myself from the fight... I'm letting the spiritual realm take care of the fighting... that's when my mind is stagnant. It's REALLY easily controlled. BUT when i decide to get in the game... I'm a fighter... AND IT'S ALWAYS THE EXACT SAME THING that satan uses to pull me away from the fight... it's like his secret weapon... he only uses it when he gets desperate... when I'm fighting back and maybe even winning... THAT'S WHEN HE PULLS IT OUT.... and BAM seriously it knocks me out every time... been this way for years now. It's always Israel. I mean seriously he hasn't crossed my mind in a good while... since I last saw him in October... after that I just gave up the fight... satan took over.... and I've pretty much been a puppet ever since... and then this weekend I go home and it has gotten to be too much and I break down and I start fighting again... and ONLY 3 days later there it is... ISRAEL.... like a freaking punch in the face. GO AWAY!!!! It's not anger... it's not regret... it's not hostile or bitter... it's just BROKENNESS... Like I'm standing at half court in the middle of the state championship game.. tied up and I look to the side line and among all the hundreds of people I see his face and I just wanna run off the court... forget the most important game.... and all the people depending on me and cheering for me... and i just wanna pretend that I'm back in 11th grade on Oak Shade Rd.... how does satan still have that STRONGHOLD??? When will that weapon not work on me anymore... how do I fight back???