the secret weapon

I feel like I always want to blog when I'm experiencing a rush of emotion... Like I just need to get it all out of me... and the weirdest things give me those rushes of emotion... For example, I just got out of a movie (I will not tell you which one sparing myself embarrassment) and my mind starts racing. I guess my mind does the whole racing thing A LOT!!! but recently it's been intense. So I start at one place, how the movie made me feel, what it reminded me of... and I end up somewhere totally different and I can't figure out how I got to these thoughts. My mind... really it intrigues me. I feel empowered lately. Like there was a pep rally for my life and now I'm ready to take on the world. I've got my cheerleaders and fans and teammates and my opponent... games are ready to begin and then.... BAM everything comes to a halt in one second with one thought. Like the game doesn't even exist anymore... I'm standing in the middle of the field or court with the crowd around me and the teams fighting and I'm in another world. I can see Michael Lank now "ABBY GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME" but I can't really hear him. ok that was a really long analogy but you get the point... I find that when I completely remove myself from the fight... I'm letting the spiritual realm take care of the fighting... that's when my mind is stagnant. It's REALLY easily controlled. BUT when i decide to get in the game... I'm a fighter... AND IT'S ALWAYS THE EXACT SAME THING that satan uses to pull me away from the fight... it's like his secret weapon... he only uses it when he gets desperate... when I'm fighting back and maybe even winning... THAT'S WHEN HE PULLS IT OUT.... and BAM seriously it knocks me out every time... been this way for years now. It's always Israel. I mean seriously he hasn't crossed my mind in a good while... since I last saw him in October... after that I just gave up the fight... satan took over.... and I've pretty much been a puppet ever since... and then this weekend I go home and it has gotten to be too much and I break down and I start fighting again... and ONLY 3 days later there it is... ISRAEL.... like a freaking punch in the face. GO AWAY!!!! It's not anger... it's not regret... it's not hostile or bitter... it's just BROKENNESS... Like I'm standing at half court in the middle of the state championship game.. tied up and I look to the side line and among all the hundreds of people I see his face and I just wanna run off the court... forget the most important game.... and all the people depending on me and cheering for me... and i just wanna pretend that I'm back in 11th grade on Oak Shade Rd.... how does satan still have that STRONGHOLD??? When will that weapon not work on me anymore... how do I fight back???

The Bad Things

Apparently I'm not the best at posting regularly... 5 semesters down... one to go!!! WOW I can't believe I'm graduating in 4 months... I'm super ready, yet super not ready. My whole life has been school and yes, I know I am going to school again haha but it will be totally different... not like real school... It's like another slow step into adulthood.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you question everything in your life??? Like, What am I doing? What have I done? What matters? Why am I not happy? Why doesn't anything make sense? Do I matter? well of course I matter.... but how? why? where? am I going to fail? What will people think or find when I die?

Maybe I'm crazy... maybe it's normal but then again maybe it's definitely NOT normal!!! Do you ever cry for no reason? and then once you're crying you just start thinking about all the awful painful hurtful things in your life and so you keep crying and you cant stop and then you feel sorry for yourself and you're blinded to the good things or the love or the blessings..... there is a lot of bad... and that's all you see.... I do this... every once and a while I do this.... and I hate it... but at the same time I love it... I just wanna sit sometimes and list out the bad things.. like once I see how ridiculously long the list is it will help me justify so much...

So many people have so many more bad things... I know I'm blessed.... I'm surrounded with good things... but sometimes Im blinded... I can't help that... or can I?

Back to the real world!!!

It's funny to think that the last time I posted I was in Italy wishing I was in Georgia... how bizarre. I'd give anything to be back in Italy without a care in the world except to be amazed at God's creation constantly. It was nice to get back to Georgia and spend time with my family and experience the freedoms that come with living on my own here in Athens but along with all that came school, work, grad school applications, internship, deciding on my future and trying to have a life in between. It's not like my life is much different from the hundreds of college seniors in this world. They are probably all dealing with the same issues so I don't expect anyone to pity me. There are people in this world who would die to be in my shoes living pay check to pay check and with the freedom to make a choice about where my life goes next. It's spontaneous and exciting and if I learned anything from Italy it's that you have to live in the moment. Enjoy where you are and what you're doing because you may never be there again. I'll never be a college senior living in Athens, Georgia single and free and broke ever again. I'm trying not to take it for granted or get caught up in the stress of handling it all. But in the midst of all this I am currently making the... I dunno... third largest decision in my life. Grad school? what degree? What school? Get a job? Where? Join the military? What branch? Move away from Georgia? How far? Whatever I decide will direct my path for the next 5ish years of my life at least and I'm so lost... no clue where I'm headed. I know it has to be the Lord's will but what is that? How will I know? How long do I have to wait for the answer? But enough complaining and adding to my stress level. I'm like an adult guys.... my internship has been really good for me. I'm learning a lot about social work and what it's really like. I know school social work is definitely not for me but like I said I'm learning a lot through it. I'm still working at chick-fil-a and that's actually been really good. Last spring I was burnt out. I came back to school determined to find a different job but I actually really love it where I'm at. I don't know what it is. I really do love a lot of my co-workers and schedule wise it just works for me right now so that's where I'll be for a while. I moved into a new apartment. It's only two bedrooms so It's different only living with one person. I definitely miss my Chels and Deb!!! Speaking of which CHELSEA GOT MARRIED!!!! It's so insane to me that my best friend who is 20 years old is married. I'm so happy for her and David! I do have to admit though, it makes me a little anxious to think that I'll be 22 this year and don't even have a prospect in mind for dating much less marriage. I know that's normal. I'm not the exception to the rule, Chelsea is but it just freaks me out. My dream in life is to have a husband and a ton of little kids running around. Maybe the Lord has that in His plan for me but maybe not... am I ready to accept that if it isn't in His plan? I don't know. Either way the fact is that I have a lot of following the Lord to do and I'm not very good at it.

My mom started college today. I'm so proud of her. She is gonna do great I'm sure... and Wesley and Brit found out they are definitely having a boy. I think they are naming it Hunter... I'm gonna be the best aunt ever!!! Mom got me a new book called Lady in Waiting... I started reading it last week and so far it's really awesome... just what I needed to hear. It's about being sold out for the Lord and not needing something else in your life to give you worth or purpose. Kinda the stuff I've been telling myself these past few years and everyone around me has been preaching it to me but I think my heart has just come as far as it can and I'm breaking down. Maybe I'm really ready to be recklessly abandoned because I'm tired of being constantly broken. I know the Lord's plan for me is perfect and He is sovereign... that's what I'll hold onto. ok so it's time to end a post when writing makes me cry haha... goodnight everyone... it's good to be back with you all.

Final week of BLISS!!!

As of today I have 6 days left in Italy, only two more days left in Cortona. We leave Friday morning for Venice!!! I can't believe I've been here for almost 3 months! It's truly insane that it's been that long since I stepped foot on American soil! I miss so many things but I'm starting to get really sad about leaving Italy. I really do love it here and I have enjoyed this experience thoroughly! I finished all my classes on Friday and got all my grades back yesterday. I ended up doing really well... helped out my GPA for sure. DEAN'S LIST BABY!!! haha. All my ceramics have been shipped off.. sad part is I won't get them until January after the exhibit in Athens... speaking of which.. you are all invited to that exhibit... come see all the art work of the students here!!! I also made my final book!!! I LOVE IT!!! It's the one I mentioned earlier about the people in my life who have impacted me positively... It's so beautiful and special to me. I titled it "Surrounded by such a Great Cloud of Witnesses" because of the verse that says "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." The last part of that verse is tattooed on my side and it means a lot to me because I see life as a race. The Lord has marked a path for us to follow and wants us to run through it all with perseverance. There will be hard things, sad things, wonderful things, but through it all we must keep our eyes on the goal and push through. We can't do this without the people in our lives that support us and encourage us.... That is our great cloud of witnesses. These are the people who help us to persevere through this race of life. Those are the people that this book was about. There are 18 people in the book and each one is special to me in their own way. People who have taught me something or loved me a special way or been through something hard with me... these are my witnesses!!! It's a great book and my teacher loved it. My teacher is not saved and it was great to share this book with her because I was able to write a lot about the Lord in my life. It was a very honest book that talked a lot about the hard stuff in my life but through it all I got to speak about how the Lord blessed me through every bit of it. A lot of people read it and I hope that it somehow affected them in a special way. I can't wait to share it with people at home.

I went to Rome this past Friday for the third time... We just spent one night there to say goodbye to a friend that left early. Then on Saturday we went to Siena which wasn't amazing in my opinion. It was nice to see but nothing too special... I have to say my most favorite cities have been Cinque Terre, Rome, Vico Equense, and Florence. There are no words for Cinque Terre and Rome just has so much to see and do.... Vico was on the coast and it was beautiful.... It was also our first city and that might have had something to do with it. Florence had so many markets and shopping and leather.... It was beautiful too... Cortona is amazing in it's own special way.... Emanuele took me to Rimini Saturday evening... we spent the night on lawn chairs on the beach and then spent all day Sunday laying out and just enjoying the beach. I don't think I've told you guys much about Emanuele... a little over a week ago my friend Stefanie and I met these two Italian guys who have taken us all over the place... it's been really amazing to see this whole area of Italy from a hometown perspective... They took us to Arezzo and to the lake and to Rimini... They took us to two discotecas and to eat and out for drinks... We were with them every evening for the past 8 days.... I really enjoyed having to use my italian and I got so much better at it... I think I just felt more confident when I realized that Emanuele actually understood what I was trying to say and we could have complete conversations... mind you, they took much longer than they should have because i would have to sit and think through every sentence I said... but it was really great to get to know him. We talked about the differences of Italian culture and American culture. He was so sweet and such a gentleman. I'm so glad I met him because I feel like I truly experienced what italy is like by spending time with him. Italian boys are a little clingy though... and those of you who know me well can attest to the fact that i run away from boys who seem to need me too much or even just like me too much... sad i know... but Emanuele definitely liked me too much... and so I don't think we will hang out again before I leave... but I'm thankful for the experience.

So I'm really looking forward to being back in Athens and moving into my new apartment. I am even excited to get back to work.... I miss everyone in my life and I've realized how much each and every one of them mean to me... If nothing else Italy has helped me not take things for granted that I love. I really can't wait to see my dad!!! I dunno I've just really been missing him these past few days!!! and I REALLY REALLY REALLY can't wait to see the video of my little niece/nephew that Brittany got this week.... It's impossible that anyone else is more excited than I am about this baby... This will most likely be my last post until I'm back in America but I'd really like to keep blogging once I'm back to normal life... It might not be as interesting but I've really enjoyed it... so stay posted... BE HOME SOON!!!

La mia ciotola è bello!!!

HOLY COW!!! My first glazed bowl just came out of the Kiln and IT'S BEAUTIFUL! I'm in love. I finished my pieces for the class... I now have 3 large serving bowls, 1 decanter, 2 goblets, and 3 wall pieces. I'm not in love with the wall pieces... All three of them have been fired twice now... second time with glaze and they are ok. They aren't beautiful though. My decanter and goblets are still very wet since I only made them at this weekend. They aren't ready to be fired yet and probably won't be till this weekend coming up. Two of my bowls will go into their first firing this evening. My first bowl that I am putting into the exhibit this Friday came out this morning and I'm totally pleased with it. It's perfect. If you remember I attempted to make a texture on my bowls that was something like the hill cities here in Italy. They are jagged and multi dimensional. I decided for the first one to use green and turquoise glazes. I poured them on thick and without any brush strokes. Glaze is so unpredictable... you can never tell how the product will come out but I couldn't be happier. I can't wait to show it in the exhibit. I've got the glazes planned out for my next two bowls as well... I can't wait to see how they come out. I havent yet decided what to do with the decanter and goblets... I'm gonna cut it really close getting them ready in time to box up for the group shipping. I might end up having to carry the goblets home myself and shipping the decanter (which would be expensive and I really hope I don't have to) Our final critique is Monday and I believe that everything but the goblets and decanter will be glazed... I can't wait to have all my stuff back at home!!! I also got back my midterm project in book arts and thought I'd show you several pics of those... I started my final project for that class yesterday... I'm doing the book of people who have affected me positively like I mentioned before. I rounded up all the pictures I need... thanks to facebook... and got those printed off and then I started writing the bios for several of the people. The book will have 22 people in it... or that's the plan if I can get that many done. I think I can though. It will be a thick book though... I plan to leave space to add to it in the future. Well I can't believe we only have 11 days left in Cortona and then we leave for Venice. I can't wait for Venice... AND HOME!!!

Ho andato a Firenze!!!

AHHH Sunday! True day of rest in Italy... and much needed. This past week was something of a whirlwind. I got back Monday night from Rome with mom and dove right into to my studio work. I finished my midterm project in book arts. That's the two books I have mentioned before... they were both journals using Japanese binding... the covers were made of materials found in Cortona... images that will remind me of my home here. I really ended up loving both of these books. Our critique went well and I'm sure I will receive a satisfactory grade for them. Those were due on Thursday. I also had a lot to do in ceramics... I did a three piece series of large serving bowls. Each a little different in size and all three using a texture that reminds me of the hill towns here in Italy where the buildings sit on the cliffs... I really love these three bowls... One of them is going to be my exhibit piece in the closing exhibit for all of Cortona which is this coming up Friday... so soon! The first one to be fired will come out of the kiln tomorrow so I'm anxious to glaze and see how it finishes. I've now started a set of goblets with a matching decanter. I finished the decanter for the most part Friday and Saturday. It just needs some smoothing out but I think I'm going to love it. I started the goblets today... not really sure how those are going to turn out. They are the pieces that I've been waiting to have a chance to make. I REALLY wanted some goblets but the one I made this morning wasn't that beautiful and still has a lot of work to be done so I might be experimenting more with size and shape this evening. I will be spending most of this upcoming week glazing pieces and finishing everything up for my final critique which is next week after the exhibit!!! ahhh... I think I'll be fine in ceramics. I've really kept up my pace in that class. I am super nervous about book arts though. We have our final project due in 1 1/2 weeks and I still have no idea what I'm going to do for it. I'm still contemplating the small biographies that I mentioned. I think that would be special to have and something I can add to in the future. I'm gonna need some pictures though of each person and Im not sure how I can obtain that while in Italy. I guess I haven't mentioned my Italian class much haha. It's really been a breeze. I thin our prof knew we would be spending all our time in the studio and therefore didn't challenge us much... which I appreciate. We have our final this thursday and an essay due Tues... but I don't think either will be very difficult.

Yesterday we went of a field trip to Florence and I loved it. First we visited the Academia which houses Michelangelo's David sculpture and it was amazing. This thing is huge in person and I didn't think it was possible for a statue to be sexy but DAVID IS HOTT!!! haha... It was an amazing piece of art to see. After that we had the day free... of course they proposed hundreds of museums and cathedrals to see but I am just museumed out so we shopped haha. Florence has great shopping and amazing leather markets... I wanted a leather jacket sooooo bad but i refrained. I got a lot of business type skirts and blouses though for my internship that starts in August since I have no business casual attire in my wardrobe. I really enjoyed the freedom to walk around and explore without a schedule. Today I spent a few hours at the pool working on my tan that has faded terribly since my Florida trip in May. I only have two weeks left in Cortona and then we're off to Venice... it's surreal to think that I'll prob never see this place again. It's become like a second home... I know this place like Douglasville... scary! I guess I have a paper to write and goblets to make so I must be going.

the count down begins!!!

Wow it's been too long since I posted! Mom was in town for a week and we were traveling the majority of that time and before that I was trying desperately to finish my projects so I wouldn't stress about them while she was here. I failed at the latter. I can't believe I've been here 6 weeks. Mom's visit was exactly what I needed to get "un-homesick" and power through the rest of the program. I can't believe we only have two weeks of classes left. I'm sad already. 

So mom stayed 3 nights here in Cortona and I got to show her my stomping ground. The first day I took her to everything worth hiking for in Cortona... bramesole (the house from under the tuscan sun) , Margherita (the cathedral at the top of the mountain), the park, and several really great lookouts with amazing views of the valley. I think we walked for 3-4 straight hours that day. 

It was nice to stay in the hotel too because the bed was soft and the shower was all my own!!! Mom brought me reinforcements in clothing. I was getting tired of the same 5 outfits.... we ate at all the best restaurants in Cortona...  and had the best gelato from Snoopy's and Cocoa. Mom preferred the cafe... so predictable. Mom and I became regulars at Cafe Signorelli... had to have her coffee lol. 

So then we left for Cinque Terre early Friday morning... 

it's a stretch of five cities on the northern coast in Italy.... We stayed in Monterosso the last of the five cities... It was amazing and beautiful. It was nice to lay out on a beach and get some sun. The cliffs and rocks on the coast were breathtaking and the colorful homes on the hills were like a painting. We only stayed one nig

ht but we really got the monterosso experience. We ate at a restaurant over the coast with an amazing view, ate seafood, saw a live concert on the beach, danced to italian music, learned a few line dances, and stayed in this sketchy hotel haha. The next morning we hopped a train to the next city over, vernazza.

 It was beautiful but really small... we left for Rome that day and sat on a train for 5 hours. Ate some McDonalds in the Rome train station that night!!!! I'm telling you McDonalds has never tasted so good. I had been craving a hamburger for weeks... The next day in Rome we saw everything. I'm telling you we walked for 6-7 hours that day. 

I showed mom the coliseum, the forum, the pantheon, the spanish steps, the vatican (and got to see the pope), campo di fiori, piazza nevona, the trevi fountain, the four rivers fountain, the fountain of triton, and piazza republica. We were worn out... all this by 3 in the afternoon and without any busses... that is impressive. Later that evening we went out for dinner at ROADHOUSE GRILL... yes, i wanted another hamburger ok... back off. Then  we went to see the trevi at night and attempted to walk to campo di fiori but got lost. Slept amazing that night... Till 10 the next day... went to the market at campo di fiori on monday and bought souvenirs for everyone back at home... got mcdonalds one more time before i left and then headed back to cortona... 

as soon as i got back there was a meeting about the last TWO WEEKS of classes.... holy cow panic attack struck at that moment. Pieces for the exhibit are due in less than a week.... and my midterm project for book arts due today!!! Needless to say I've practically been in the studio since I got back that night... Non stop every day... I literally missed lunch yesterday trying to get a book done... But it's cool to see pieces coming together and looking beautiful... I'm really liking the bowls I'm making and I finally finished my two part book series yesterday... I like those pretty good too. I'm still not sure what I'm putting in the exhibit... I kinda get nervous for other people to see my work. I wish I was exempt from the show altogether... I started reading Wuthering Heights on the train to Cortona and I have to say I'm loving it. It's making me want to write more... So maybe when the storm is over I can get back to the book. Until then I have a lot to do and not much time so I must go... See you all in 3 WEEKS!!!!