LOVE.

Well, it's been three years. haha. I'm not sure why I haven't deleted this thing yet seeing as how I only blog in my dreams. I think back to where I was three years ago and I'm a little overwhelmed at where the Lord has brought me and the things He has taken me through. What a good God I serve! He is so faithful and so good to me! Here I am, living in Atlanta, Ga, going to grad school, and living a life that I never thought I'd live. I'm going to be 25 in a few weeks which overwhelms me. The older I get, the younger I feel. It's almost like I racing to get to adult status and no matter how adult I become in age, I never feel like one. Technically, I guess I am an adult. Bizarre. I've recently come across a few blogs that have made me realize how life giving it can be to put your thoughts down on paper (or screen) and to share them with others. Not that I believe my thoughts will give life to others (although I hope they do) but that I receive life by participating in the world and contributing to the conversation of life. How interconnected we all are overwhelms me sometimes. I'm reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together right now and it reminds me of how the core of our being unites us in that we are all the image of God... we have all been sacrificed for... the life and death of Jesus Christ unites us all as one body, one being. As healthy as solitude and silence may be at times, it's so important to participate in the oneness of His creation, to be in community with our brothers and sisters, not for the sake of our gain but for the sake of Christ. I don't do my part nearly enough. There is so much to share and so much to say but I'll finish this first post of (what I hope to be) a new season of blogging, with this.... Love God, Love others. That's where we start and that's where we will end. It applies to every part of your life, no matter how mundane that part of life may seem. Life is a journey to and from love. It's at the root of our existence. We were created our of love and for love. So make life about love.

MY PLACE!

How is God so good? How could He love me like He does? I'm not worth this. And yet in His eyes, I AM!!!! Have you ever felt like you are in the exact place and the exact situation that you were meant to be in at that moment? Like everything just lined up and worked out and HERE YOU ARE in your destiny... your purpose... your calling. I am EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. Right where God wants me. I feel like He is cheering with excitement that I made it to the place He wanted for me. It feels so perfect even though there are imperfections.

Divorce-Sin

Every relationship is redeemable through God... I truly believe that. Divorce is such a disease that invades so many lives. It's like it spreads into everyone's heart. I want to save every person who might ever face the effects of divorce and I can't. This is what it all boils down to... we sin. That's it.. that's the culprit of all painful things... death, failure, deceit, oppression, abandonment. Without sin we wouldn't know of these things. That's right... we wouldn't even know about death. I hate sin. I hate what it does to me... to my loved ones... I hate pain. When i see someone else's sin effecting me and others it makes me think about my own sin and who it is effecting. Who am i hurting? I'm sure I'm causing a lot of people pain. I don't like to think about that.

What's the right thing to say? What would help? What can I do? They tell me to just pray... I suck at praying... maybe that's because of my own sin. It's a freaking cycle. Sin screws up everything!!!

IM REAL

It's finally setting in... the reality of life... I lie to myself I've found. I lie a lot. I'm a yucky person... and yet i really like who I am. I even like the bad things... cause it makes me real.

the secret weapon

I feel like I always want to blog when I'm experiencing a rush of emotion... Like I just need to get it all out of me... and the weirdest things give me those rushes of emotion... For example, I just got out of a movie (I will not tell you which one sparing myself embarrassment) and my mind starts racing. I guess my mind does the whole racing thing A LOT!!! but recently it's been intense. So I start at one place, how the movie made me feel, what it reminded me of... and I end up somewhere totally different and I can't figure out how I got to these thoughts. My mind... really it intrigues me. I feel empowered lately. Like there was a pep rally for my life and now I'm ready to take on the world. I've got my cheerleaders and fans and teammates and my opponent... games are ready to begin and then.... BAM everything comes to a halt in one second with one thought. Like the game doesn't even exist anymore... I'm standing in the middle of the field or court with the crowd around me and the teams fighting and I'm in another world. I can see Michael Lank now "ABBY GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME" but I can't really hear him. ok that was a really long analogy but you get the point... I find that when I completely remove myself from the fight... I'm letting the spiritual realm take care of the fighting... that's when my mind is stagnant. It's REALLY easily controlled. BUT when i decide to get in the game... I'm a fighter... AND IT'S ALWAYS THE EXACT SAME THING that satan uses to pull me away from the fight... it's like his secret weapon... he only uses it when he gets desperate... when I'm fighting back and maybe even winning... THAT'S WHEN HE PULLS IT OUT.... and BAM seriously it knocks me out every time... been this way for years now. It's always Israel. I mean seriously he hasn't crossed my mind in a good while... since I last saw him in October... after that I just gave up the fight... satan took over.... and I've pretty much been a puppet ever since... and then this weekend I go home and it has gotten to be too much and I break down and I start fighting again... and ONLY 3 days later there it is... ISRAEL.... like a freaking punch in the face. GO AWAY!!!! It's not anger... it's not regret... it's not hostile or bitter... it's just BROKENNESS... Like I'm standing at half court in the middle of the state championship game.. tied up and I look to the side line and among all the hundreds of people I see his face and I just wanna run off the court... forget the most important game.... and all the people depending on me and cheering for me... and i just wanna pretend that I'm back in 11th grade on Oak Shade Rd.... how does satan still have that STRONGHOLD??? When will that weapon not work on me anymore... how do I fight back???

The Bad Things

Apparently I'm not the best at posting regularly... 5 semesters down... one to go!!! WOW I can't believe I'm graduating in 4 months... I'm super ready, yet super not ready. My whole life has been school and yes, I know I am going to school again haha but it will be totally different... not like real school... It's like another slow step into adulthood.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you question everything in your life??? Like, What am I doing? What have I done? What matters? Why am I not happy? Why doesn't anything make sense? Do I matter? well of course I matter.... but how? why? where? am I going to fail? What will people think or find when I die?

Maybe I'm crazy... maybe it's normal but then again maybe it's definitely NOT normal!!! Do you ever cry for no reason? and then once you're crying you just start thinking about all the awful painful hurtful things in your life and so you keep crying and you cant stop and then you feel sorry for yourself and you're blinded to the good things or the love or the blessings..... there is a lot of bad... and that's all you see.... I do this... every once and a while I do this.... and I hate it... but at the same time I love it... I just wanna sit sometimes and list out the bad things.. like once I see how ridiculously long the list is it will help me justify so much...

So many people have so many more bad things... I know I'm blessed.... I'm surrounded with good things... but sometimes Im blinded... I can't help that... or can I?

Back to the real world!!!

It's funny to think that the last time I posted I was in Italy wishing I was in Georgia... how bizarre. I'd give anything to be back in Italy without a care in the world except to be amazed at God's creation constantly. It was nice to get back to Georgia and spend time with my family and experience the freedoms that come with living on my own here in Athens but along with all that came school, work, grad school applications, internship, deciding on my future and trying to have a life in between. It's not like my life is much different from the hundreds of college seniors in this world. They are probably all dealing with the same issues so I don't expect anyone to pity me. There are people in this world who would die to be in my shoes living pay check to pay check and with the freedom to make a choice about where my life goes next. It's spontaneous and exciting and if I learned anything from Italy it's that you have to live in the moment. Enjoy where you are and what you're doing because you may never be there again. I'll never be a college senior living in Athens, Georgia single and free and broke ever again. I'm trying not to take it for granted or get caught up in the stress of handling it all. But in the midst of all this I am currently making the... I dunno... third largest decision in my life. Grad school? what degree? What school? Get a job? Where? Join the military? What branch? Move away from Georgia? How far? Whatever I decide will direct my path for the next 5ish years of my life at least and I'm so lost... no clue where I'm headed. I know it has to be the Lord's will but what is that? How will I know? How long do I have to wait for the answer? But enough complaining and adding to my stress level. I'm like an adult guys.... my internship has been really good for me. I'm learning a lot about social work and what it's really like. I know school social work is definitely not for me but like I said I'm learning a lot through it. I'm still working at chick-fil-a and that's actually been really good. Last spring I was burnt out. I came back to school determined to find a different job but I actually really love it where I'm at. I don't know what it is. I really do love a lot of my co-workers and schedule wise it just works for me right now so that's where I'll be for a while. I moved into a new apartment. It's only two bedrooms so It's different only living with one person. I definitely miss my Chels and Deb!!! Speaking of which CHELSEA GOT MARRIED!!!! It's so insane to me that my best friend who is 20 years old is married. I'm so happy for her and David! I do have to admit though, it makes me a little anxious to think that I'll be 22 this year and don't even have a prospect in mind for dating much less marriage. I know that's normal. I'm not the exception to the rule, Chelsea is but it just freaks me out. My dream in life is to have a husband and a ton of little kids running around. Maybe the Lord has that in His plan for me but maybe not... am I ready to accept that if it isn't in His plan? I don't know. Either way the fact is that I have a lot of following the Lord to do and I'm not very good at it.

My mom started college today. I'm so proud of her. She is gonna do great I'm sure... and Wesley and Brit found out they are definitely having a boy. I think they are naming it Hunter... I'm gonna be the best aunt ever!!! Mom got me a new book called Lady in Waiting... I started reading it last week and so far it's really awesome... just what I needed to hear. It's about being sold out for the Lord and not needing something else in your life to give you worth or purpose. Kinda the stuff I've been telling myself these past few years and everyone around me has been preaching it to me but I think my heart has just come as far as it can and I'm breaking down. Maybe I'm really ready to be recklessly abandoned because I'm tired of being constantly broken. I know the Lord's plan for me is perfect and He is sovereign... that's what I'll hold onto. ok so it's time to end a post when writing makes me cry haha... goodnight everyone... it's good to be back with you all.